Crowbars, Fireballs, Whatever Tails Does, and CQC
by Stygimoloch spinifer
Summary: Some crazy portally stuff happens and now Gordon Freeman, Luigi, Solid Snake, and Tails have to fight against the main bad guys from their games.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Introductions

One day Gordon Freeman was walking in City 17 when suddenly Combines attacked him. He pulled out his crowbar and started fighting them. He said "..." and the combine said "Puny human well crush you with our might" and they pulled out their AR2s and shot at him. He deflected the bullets with his crowbar and threw bugbait at them. Antlions attacked the Combines and killed them.

Gordon felt happy but then a portal opened in the sky and Tails fell out. Gordon poked Tails with his crowbar and Tails got up. "Where am I?" Tails asked. "..." said Gordon. "Oh, where's City 17?" Tails replied. "..." Gordon shrugged. Tails and Gordon walked along the streets when suddenly an announcement appeared on the TVs and showed Breen and Robotnik. "...!" Gordon said. "And Robotnik's there too!" Tails screamed.

Suddenly, another portal opened and Luigi fell out. "Oh no! He looks hurt; we should go see if he's ok!" Tails cried. "..." Gordon said, and followed Tails. They helped Luigi get up, as the announcement still played. Luigi looked up and said "Mama mia, it's Bowser!" and Tails and Gordon looked up at the screen and saw Bowser there next to Breen and Robotnik. "We got to fight 'em!" Tails yelled. "...!" Gordon said. 'Yeah, you're right Gordon!" Tails said.

Suddenly Luigi spotted a shuffling cardboard box. Luigi chased after it and the box ran. He threw fire and the box lit on fire. He lifted up the box after it stopped being on fire and there was nothing there. Then Snake CQC'd Tails, and said "Hi. Oh him? ...He'll be fine...I think..." "...LIQUID!" Snake yelled as he pointed to the TV, and sure enough, Liquid Ocelot was there next to all the other bad guys. "...!" "Yes-a Gordon, we have to a go fight them!" Luigi replied. So they all ran to the Citadel to fight the bad guys.

And now, for the Random Poem of Undoubatable Cake for this chapter.

"_**Green and Blue and Platypus Too**_"

_The platypus is green_

_The platypus is blue_

_The platypus is also the color of a platypus too_

_This makes no sense_

_But neither do you_

_So don't be a hypocrite_

_You platypus_


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Fighting Time

Our heroes finally make it to the Citadel and start running to Breen's office. Gordon says "..." and everyone agrees with him. They make it to the office, but Bowser, Robotnik, and Liquid already left while Breen is still there. "...!!" Gordon said, and everyone went and punched Breen to death with their fists. They stared at the escape pods that the other baddies left in and Snake said "Good thing I saw those and put C4 on them" and pushed a detonator and they heard explosions.

Everyone jumped around all happy and stuff, until they heard "Haha suckers, we saw the C4 and switched around the pods so now we're in the safe pods." and they saw the real escape pods leave. "Well, atleast I put trackers on those." Snake said. He got out some fancy-pants-little-screen-thingy that probably cost a ton of money and there were dots on the screen. Snake said that the closest one was Robotnik, who went back to Mobius. "Hey, if we go back to Mobius, maybe we can get Sonic's help!!" Tails yelled.

Chell came out of no where and said "..., ..., ...!" and shot a portal on the wall, which led to Mobius. "Thanks, why don't you come join us?" Tails asked. "..., ..., ..." She replied. "Oh, you have to get back to your wife? Ok, I understand." Tails said as everyone went through the portal and into Mobius.

The portal closed and Sonic came and said "Heyguyswhatsupwhydontwegogetsomechilidogsorsomethingthenfightrobotnikandsavetheworldandblahblahblahblahblahbl-" and Gordon beat him to death with his crowbar. "Uh, Gordon, that was Sonic." Tails said. "...! ..." Gordon said and Tails said he understood. Everyone suddenly say Robotnik's giant metal fortress place that was there the whole time. They saw a red echidna with fire on his hat punching the fortress, and everyone ran over to him.

"Hey Knuckles, what'cha doin'" Tails said and Knuckles stuck his hat onto the fortress and told everyone to run away as the fortress half-exploded. When the smoke went away, the little door in front opened and everyone ran in. "Jeez, there's robot guards EVERYWHERE. But I'm good with guards, take these." Snake said as he handed out cardboard boxes. They all put them on, and ran past the guards except for Tails, who flew by. A guard saw them but instead of shooting them, he walked over to them...

And now, for the Random Poem of Undoubtable Cake.

_**Toast**_  
_Toast is a toast_  
_But it's also a post on a forum  
For toast_


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Woo More Cross-Overing!

The guard turned into a puff of smoke, and turned into a Spy. "Gentlemen, I see you too are intruding this base, you will need this." and he handed out paper masks with poorly drawn guard heads on them and cigarettes. "Smoking's bad for you, you know." Tails said. "No it's not, here, try it!" the Spy said. "Cough-cough-cough-cough-cough-cough-cough-cough-cough" Tails coughed. "Woooah little bro, that smoke'll make you choke! Smoking is for dumbbots! It's bad for your health, AND stains your teeth. Don't be a fool, smoking ISN'T cool!" Sonic appeared and said suddenly.

Gordon beat him to death again, and everyone put on the masks and smoked the cigarettes. They were walking away when the Spy backstabbed Tails, said "I never really was on your side" and ran away laughing and snorting. Tails got up and they all walked by the guards and went upstairs to find Robotnik. "Oh, almost forgot." Knuckles muttered, as he pulled out another hat. "Where do you keep all those hats?" Snake said as Knuckles pulled out a lighter and lit the cigarette and his hat.

"In my hat-hat." Knuckles said as he showed a hat, and pulled out a hat, a hat, another hat, and Cream, who he quickly stuffed back in, blushing. "Oh, so it's like my bandanna." Snake said as he pulled out a rocket launcher, a rail gun, a pistol, and Meryl from his bandanna. They finally made it to Robotnik's room, where some epic boss music just happened to start playing on Snake's iPod. "..." Gordon said. "You're right, I don't even know WHY I have Caramelldansen on here. Then again I do lend it to Otacon alot so...Hey wait a minute." Snake said as he quickly turned away and started to scroll through the pictures section of the iPod.

"Anyways, bring it Robotnik, we're here to take you down!" Tails said, and everyone made an epic pose, except for Snake, who was grunting in his box, but Robotnik wasn't there. But a large hulking man with an ammo chain around his chest came out and said "Who is there. I vill fight you leetle behbies, like I vas told too." It was the Heavy, and Gordon said "...?". "I only fight because fat man took Sasha and Nastascha. And my sandviches. And Medic." he said and Tails said "We can help you get that back if you help us fight Robotnik aka 'the fat man'." "You vould really help Heavy get Sasha and Nastascha and sandviches and Medic? Ok then!" And Heavy joined the team, when suddenly robot guards burst into the room.

And now, for the Random Poem of Undoubtable Cake.

_**Ninjas**_

There's a ninja behind you  
But now that you looked  
He's gone  
Fwooooooooosh


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Epic Boss Battle of Battling Battle

If you want a recap of everyone that's in the group, go back and look you lazy bastards. Anyways, so everyone runs to the elevator up to Robotnik's REAL room, because the one they met the Heavy in was just the room he uses when they fumigate. They get in, press the button, and the elevator goes up. And the elevator music starts playing. Everyone just stands there, occaisionally coughing or shuffling a bit, or pulling out a bit of food from god knows where.

This continues for about 45 floors, when the elevator stops. Then it continues, after some sparks, which painfully electrocuted Tails, but thankfully no one else. About 35 more floors, and everyone's been watching funny videos on YouTube from Snake's iPhone that Otacon sent him. Snake thought for a moment, then scrolled through the internet history, and sure enough, he found what he was looking for. He went in his box, while Gordon told everyone else the epic tales about his adventures fighting the Combine.

After 20 more floors, they finally reached it. Everyone ran into Robotnik's room, but since it had taken a really long time to get there, it was already night time, and he was asleep. Gordon just beat him to death with his crowbar, and everyone left. Rather than going down the horrid elevator again, they just jumped out the nearest window, and since they're video game characters, they were a-ok when they landed, except for Tails, who broke both his legs. "..." Gordon said, and everyone agreed that indeed, that fight was really anticlimactic. "Vait, vhere iz Medic, Nastascha, Sasha, and sandviches Robotnik took from me?" Heavy yelled.

Everyone pointed to a box that had "Hevys Stuf" horribly scribbled on. Heavy pulled out everything including the Medic from his box. "Zhis iz Medic. He heals people." and the Medic said hello, and he healed everyone except Tails, who didn't need it. Everyone ran off to go fight Bowser, who was in the Mushroom Kingdom. Luckily, Chell was already there with a portal open, and everyone went in.

And now, for the Random Poem of Undoubtable Cake for this chapter.

_**Cat in Pants**_

_**The cat put on his pants  
But they didn't fit  
Because cats don't wear pants  
**_


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Drugs Are Bad

So everyone goes through the portal fine. Well, except Tails, who tripped on the edge of the portal, and broke his nose. Anyways, they finally made it into the Mushroom Kingdom, which had gone to hell. Everything was dark and fiery instead of bright and green. And there were tons of goombas and koopas everywhere.

"Holy-a crap, this place has-a really-a gone to hell-a!" Luigi yelled. Gordon started running after the enemies with his crowbar, and hit a koopa, sending it back into its shell and smashing Tails in the stomach. Suddenly a scream pierces the air. "Hiyaaaa!" Everyone runs to the source, and sees a girl beating up multiple goombas with a frying pan.

"Sunny, what are you doing here?" Snake said. "Ohhh, hhhey Ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssnake, uncle Hhhhhhhhalll tttttttttollddddd mmmmmmmme ttttto cccccccome hhhhhhhhhere aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand hhhhhhhelp yyyyyyyou gggggguys ooooout." she stuttered. "..." Gordon said. "Yyyyyyyyyeah, llllllet's ggggggggggggggggggo. Hhhhhhey, yyyyyyou ggggggggguys mmmmmmmmind ifffffffffff I innnnnnnnvitttteeeee mmmmmy ffffffffriennnnnd ttttttto ccccccccome tttttttoo?" she asked, and Snake said sure. Suddenly, Tifa came out of nowhere and said hi.

The group jumped along the koopas and goombas, occaisionally getting an uber from Medic, or a star, and plowing through them. Sometimes they had to go through caves, with boos and football koopas and stuff. Then there was a random electrical fence, which everyone passed through fine, except Tails, who got brutally electrocuted into a coma, but he's fine now. Everyone got closer to Bowser's death castle of not-so-death. Everyone ran to the castle, but it was locked with a little lock, and Gordon smacked it with his crowbar, but to no avail.

Snake got out his C4, and Knuckles got out one of his hats. Sunny cooked some eggs, and stuck them into the hat. They all walked away all cool looking, but nothing happened, until Tails went to light the stuff on fire and it exploded. They turned back around and started walking all cool looking as Tails burned to a painful death. The door opened, and they went in.

And now, for the Random Poem of Undoubtable Cake.

_**"Mustache Iguana"**_

_Iguanas don't grow hair_

_And neither did this one_

_But it had a mustache_

_Because it was taped on_


End file.
